Baby J is exclusively breastfed. This is a fact that I am extremely proud of. Because even though we didn’t have latch issues like a lot of mothers and babies, there was a huge learning curve. I had sore and cracked nipples for days. And I can’t tell you how many times I sat in our nursing glider, holding Baby J with one arm and my cellphone in the other, as I Googled breastfeeding issues. The website Kellymom talked me off of many a ledge. One day I will write a love letter to that blog and post it here. Seriously.
There were many times early on where I thought about giving up, but then I would remind myself of several facts; how I was giving my daughter the perfect nutrition, how my body was designed to do this, even how I was burning extra calories. So somehow we pushed through, and now I love breastfeeding.
I recognize that there is a logical, scientific explanation for it. It’s the release of oxytocin, but I can’t get over how amazing it feels to cradle Baby J and nurse her.
So the question is then,
“Why do I let myself feel ashamed?”
Because as proud as I am of breastfeeding, I have never, not once, done it in public. Oh sure, I have done it in secret many, many places. I can’t even begin to count the number of bathroom stalls that I have nursed Baby J in or the number of parking lots where we have hidden our car so that we could nurse in the backseat. I even had a friend joke recently that if I was to create a map of all the places I had secretly breastfed, the city of Los Angeles would be painted red.
But there is one other place where I have had to nurse Baby J in secret (that I am even more deeply ashamed of than the rest), and that place is my own home.
Most nights you’ll find Baby J and me on the sofa together. My feed will be propped up with a big glass of ice water on the side table, and I’ll hold J in my arms and nurse her until she falls asleep. It’s lovely, and it’s our nightly ritual. Infants love rituals, and so I know that our sofa cuddle time is especially important to her. However, there have been times that we have had company over, and I have had to hide in another room to nurse. Only once has a guest actually told me that they would feel uncomfortable being around me as I breastfed. All the other times, my shame has been completely self-imposed.
Why? Is it because women are routinely made to feel embarrassed about breastfeeding? Is it because I feel embarrassed about a natural, bodily function? Who knows? But am I ashamed of feeling ashamed? You bet.
Ashley | Spit Up and Sit Ups
November 21, 2016 at 3:57 pmI typically hid whenever I was in someone else’s house, not in my own. At least, not in those early days. I couldn’t move after my c-section for weeks! If you were uncomfortable, there was an exit for you!
After awhile, I ended up “hiding,” but it was more to give my son a break from whatever loud noises/distractions were out there.
I wish no woman would ever feel uncomfortable anywhere!
tineke - workingmommyabroad
November 21, 2016 at 2:41 pmI felt ashamed at first as well, but after a couple of weeks I was like f* it, this guy needs to be fed and I am not always going to hide so although it was scary at first i got much more relaxed about it.
Naya @ Lactivist in Louboutins
November 22, 2016 at 4:09 amGreat post! I was definitely nervous to NIP with my oldest, but I got over that pretty quickly. The two shirt method has worked for me through two nurslings, I recommend it to any mom looking to breastfeed!
Kristina Perrin
November 22, 2016 at 2:18 amI used to feel the same way, but after 6 months, I didn’t really care anymore. I use the two shirt method when put in public.
tabitha shakespeare
November 23, 2016 at 1:31 amI was pretty nervous when I started as well but my laziness quickly outweighed my shame! It’s so hard to find a good balance!
Amber Starr
November 23, 2016 at 3:40 pmI had a hard time with this at first too, but have found that over time (especially after the birth of our second child) that I started to care less and less. If it makes others uncomfortable, I say they are more than welcome to look away or go to a different area.
Like a previous commenter, the two shirt method is so great for discreet nursing (although I’m partial to Latched Mama nursing clothes).
Sarah Clark
February 22, 2017 at 2:24 amThanks for your sharing experiences. I’m pregnant the first time so i have not know how feel breastfeeding in the public. But i think i will feel ashamed when do it in public. In my option, i will prepare bottle of milk for my baby or breastfeeding full before going out.
MamaMillason
February 22, 2017 at 4:08 amSarah, thanks for writing me. Don’t worry; I eventually got over feeling ashamed, and you probably will too. Once the best things I did to help myself feel more comfortable was buy one of these nursing wraps
. It fully covered my front so I could nurse without someone seeing, and it makes an awesome scarf too!
Jaimie Zaki
October 12, 2017 at 6:28 amIt breaks my heart to hear this, because this story is not unique. It is not your fault you feel this way, though. Society has conditioned us women to feel embarrassed and ashamed of anything involving using our body for it’s intended purposes.
You might enjoy checking out my movement to remove this stigma from our society.
https://www.littlebearlactation.com/single-post/2017/10/08/Normalizing-Breastfeeding-with-Busty-Betty
MamaMillason
October 12, 2017 at 7:30 amHi Jaimie! Thank you so much for reaching out. I have come a long way since that post was first written, and I now am able to breastfeed in public without reservation. Which is good, since my daughter is almost two, and still nursing. Now that she is older, I get both the nursing in public glares as well as the “Whoa! You’re still nursing?!?!” looks.
I love the Busty Betty movement, and I would encourage others to check out the link you provided. Please let me know if you need any help from me or what I can do to support you!